


Wild Heart

by dani2the_ela



Series: Non-Resident Indian [11]
Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Adding people as I go - Freeform, Cancer, Gen, Grief, Mentions someone dying of cancer, Original Character Death(s), Original Character(s), POV Original Female Character
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-23
Updated: 2020-07-24
Packaged: 2021-03-05 09:02:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,121
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25468225
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dani2the_ela/pseuds/dani2the_ela
Summary: Dr. Naina Suhar is a young woman whose life is about to change forever - in more than one way.Follow her story throughout the series and inbetween.Important for the Prologue: mentions someone dying of cancer, so if you get triggered by this, please don't read.
Series: Non-Resident Indian [11]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/167291
Comments: 2
Kudos: 2





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys,  
> I can't believe it's been five years (and a week) since I've posted anything! Whoa! Since then, my life has drastically changed, but you don't want to hear that, now do you?
> 
> This chapter is the intro to a gigantic project I have in my head. I want to "rewrite" the seasons, including my OC Naina in most of the episodes, write stories in between episodes, tell you about her (love) life on Atlantis and everything else my brain tends to throw up.  
> As for the other stories I've posted here that take place in this universe of mine, I'm not sure yet what I will do with them. Maybe I will keep them online, maybe I will incorporate them, maybe I will delete them. Don't know yet.  
> I also want to play around a little bit with prompts, song lyrics (I'm looking at you, The Script!) and pictures that inspire me. Be prepared!
> 
> This project is, for the most part, thanks to Sourlander, whom I've come to know as a great friend, beta-reader, advisor, cheerleader, fellow Major Lorne-fan and someone who I can dump my ideas on (and vice versa!). I dedicate this to you, deary. Thank you for everything! (She's also the one who pushed me to publish this, so if you don't like it, I blame her :-P)
> 
> The intro will be written in Naina's POV, the rest I will put into third person (even though I like to jump between first and third, but a certain someone told me not to do it...and since she's the expert...).
> 
> So without further ado, I give you the first chapter of the mission "This will most likely end badly" aka my very own little corner of the (SGA) universe.

"The stars, Naina, look at the stars."

This is what I remember most vividly about my sister Jaya. It has been one of my earliest memories of her. We were outside our Amritsar home, it was night and she was kneeling down to my level, pointing at the night sky. I was looking up, amazed by what my sister wanted to show me but all I could see was a black horizon with little white dots. As time progressed, my view changed and I began to see millions of little miracles in the sky. At some point, she explained the different constellations to me and I was struck with awe. I admired her and her endless knowledge about the stars, the constellations and what they meant. It became our little ritual every night before bed time. I would point to the sky and she would explain the constellation and its meaning. We made up stories about people living on those stars and then we gone to bed, giggling and wondering if our stories were true. If there really was life beyond our solar system. 

Time passed and my hunger for knowledge about all those lights in the night sky became bigger. As soon as I could read and understand books properly, I scoured my father's library for everything that explained the phenomenon of stars and planets and galaxies and the universe. I read book after book, absorbing every little piece of information like a sponge. At some point, the tables turned. Jaya would point to the sky and ask me questions and I would answer. It's when I felt closest to her. When we grew older, boarding school got in the way of our nightly ritual. Still, no matter where I was, I'd look at the sky and think of her. It's when I felt safest.

Eventually, both of our lives and that of our family had been turned upside down when she had been diagnosed with leukemia shortly before she was supposed to go off to university. Surgeries, blood transfusions, chemo therapies, stem cell transplants and more surgeries had dominated her life in the next few years, robbing her of that spark in her eyes, the energy she had been radiating and her hunger for life. Jaya had dragged herself through the next years, alternating between hospitalization and care at home, remission and relapse. To get better care my father had arranged for her to get transferred to the US, to Boston. I had followed her, had studied Astrophysics and Mechanical Engineering at MIT and had spent every single day by her hospital bed. 

Every night I'd open a window, lie next to her on her bed and tell her about the night sky. I'd feel her get weaker and weaker, to a point where she couldn't leave the hospital bed anymore without help and getting around without a wheelchair.

________________________________________________________________________________________

The summer of 2003 neared its end and gave way to the incredible Indian Summer in New England's states. Being brought up in India, me and my family had to get used to the seasons changing around here, but after years in the States, I couldn't imagine leaving all of that beauty behind. 

I looked at my sister who was sleeping soundly in her bed. I was sitting on the cushioned chair that we'd bought at Ikea a few months before. My feet were tucked under me and a book was sitting on my lap. I watched her take small intakes of breaths, listened to the machines beeping regularly, signalling her heartbeat and steady stream of oxygen through a tube in her nose. She'd had trouble breathing in the last few days, the doctors had been monitoring it but so far didn't seem to be all too concerned about it. Yet.

I heard my phone vibrating on the table next to me. Looking at the screen, I saw that it was Professor Dr Patel and picked up.

Professor Dr Riya Patel was my professor at MIT. She'd supported me throughout the years, helped me through the hard times, kept the Indian spirit in our hearts alive. She'd taken me to dance classes, to go to the temple, celebrate Hindu festivals with her friends and made wearing Sarees and Salwar suits in a hospital fashionable. She'd become more of an aunt to us than she was my professor. 

"Naina! Glad I caught you!", her usual cheery voice greeted me.

That made me smile. She had a talent for that. "You know I always pick up when you call."

"That I do and I'm glad for it. Listen, the reason why I'm calling is, that someone's here to talk to you."

That actually got my interest. I'd heard about students being recruited out of university long before they were done with their dissertations, only to start working at the companies as soon as they had their new title. Part of me had always hoped I would be one of them, another part of me hoped that I wouldn't be. Why? No one could promise me that I could stay close to my sister. I couldn't move her to another hospital just because I'd change locations to start working somewhere. But no one really know how much time she had left and I wanted to spend every day by her side. 

"Who is it?", I asked and put the book aside.

"She's an old friend of mine from college. She's got a new project starting and is looking for personnel. We're still pretty close so she asked me if I had anyone in mind who would be willing to join, so I thought of you."

"What kind of project? And where is it?"

I heard Dr Patel sigh on the other end of the line and it made me pause. That couldn't be good. "That's the thing. It's top secret. She's got a stack of papers that you would have to sign beforehand. Non-Disclosure Agreements."

No. Never. Never in a million years would I sign anything like that before I'd know what it was about. 

"Tell her thanks, but no thanks."

"Naina, please, hear her out." She was almost begging me to give it a try, still, I wouldn't budge. 

"Riya, my life is here. Jaya is here. I can't leave her and you know it."

There were muffled sounds like she switched the phone from one ear to another, before she continued. "Alright. How's Jaya doing?"

I looked at my sister, sleeping peacefully in her bed. Well, as peaceful as one could be with all those machines and tubes that were supposed to give them as much of their normal life back as possible. 

"She's having a hard time breathing, but she'll be fine."

"Give her my best, will you?"

I told her that, yes, I would absolutely do that and that I would see her on the weekend during her weekly visit at the hospital.

The truth about why I had absolutely no problem rejecting that job offer, was that my father was a rich man. He was one of the biggest industrialists in India. We grew up in a mansion, big enough to fit hundreds of people in it. We grew up with maids and cooks and drivers and private jets. With piano lessons and dancing lessons and singing lessons. With designer clothes and expensive jewelry. But most of all, we grew up in a house full of values, tradition and religion. Our father had always insisted on choosing our husbands for us, an arranged marriage if you will, because it always had been the tradition in his family and nothing was more important than keeping traditions alive and making the ancestors happy. With Jaya's cancer, all of that was benched for the foreseeable future, even for me. Our brother, though, had married years ago and our youngest sister Priya was still too young to be thinking of marriage at the tender age of 15. So yes, I'd had many privileges growing up and thought that my father's money could buy everything. Well, life was funny that way, because it couldn't buy us a cure for cancer.

Days went by and Jaya's condition didn't get any better. It didn't get any worse either, but no change was as bad as getting worse at this stage. It meant that chemo didn't take. It meant that she would only get weaker and weaker. 

But still, by the weekend Jaya was in high spirits, because Riya would be visiting. We weren't in the stage yet where visitors had to wear masks and gowns to protect my sister's immune system, but still, visitors were few and far between, because Jaya was already a high risk for infections. Riya had been added to the list just shortly after I had started my classes with her.

A knock on the door signaled the arrival of said person, which made Jaya smile and sit up straighter in her bed immediately. 

"Come in, Riya, you know you don't have to knock", she said and laughed.

It warmed my heart to see her wearing such a wide smile on her face, when I knew that she was in such pain.

The door opened and revealed Riya, who looked a little...guilty? Behind her, I could make out another figure. A woman, the same height as the Indian woman in front of her. 

"Girls, I brought a friend, I hope that's okay." Riya sounded a little hesitant.

A friend.

It couldn't be that friend, could it? The friend who had asked for me days ago?

"No, it's absolutely fine!", Jaya piped in before I could say anything, "come on in. There's room for all of us in here."

They both stepped into the room and I look at Riya's friend more closely. She's a brunette with hair wavy that went above her shoulder. She had green, gentle eyes and thin lips. She carried herself with such confidence, but still radiated kindness.

"This is Dr Elizabeth Weir, the friend I was telling you about earlier this week, Naina", Riya introduced the woman. "Elizabeth, this is Jaya." 

"Very nice to meet you." Elizabeth nodded and smiled at my sister, unsure if she could just walk over and shake her hand. My sister, bless her, returned in kind and Elizabeth relaxed visibly. 

"And this is Naina."

And suddenly, I was the center of attention. I’d always hated that, even as a child. 

Elizabeth stepped forward and held out her hand. "Miss Suhar, it's such an honor to finally meet you. Riya has told me so much about you. I'm fascinated by your work and what you've been doing for your dissertation."

I shook her hand and blushed at her praise. "It's nice to meet you, Dr Weir."

"Oh please, call me Elizabeth. No formalities, especially in light of what I'm about to tell you."

I sat down on my sister's bed, maybe to shield her from Elizabeth, maybe to be grounded by Jaya's presence. I wasn't sure.

"And what's that, Elizabeth?" Jaya was such a curious person, always had been. That was why she'd always known so much about the stars and I guess, in a way, we shared that trait.

The woman in question opened her mouth and closed it again, suddenly unsure of what to say. She looked at my professor, silently asking her for help.

"I told Naina on the phone days ago, that the matter is top secret."

Jaya looked at me surprised. "You have, haven't you?" The question was directed at Riya, though. "She's not told me anything about it."

"Well, I came to Riya with a job offer for Naina. It's for a project I'm about to start. An expedition of sorts."

Jaya's eyes widened. Her mind had to have been reeling with ideas of what that project could be, where it would possibly lead me. "An expedition? That sounds interesting, doesn't it, Naina?" When she directed her question at me, she bumped my shoulder with hers softly.

"Yes, yes it does."

"So, what did you say then?"

Before I could answer, Riya did. "She said no."

"Why would you do that?"

I opened my mouth to say something, but Riya was faster. Again. "Because it would take her away from you."

"Oh, bullshit, Naina!" My sister, ladies and gentlemen. All the behavioral lessons, classes about manners and chemo therapy didn't get the cursing woman out of my sister. A real Punjabi woman.

The truth was that I hadn't wanted to tell Jaya about the phone call because I had feared she would work on changing my mind. I had feared that she would succeed and I had promised her a long time ago that I would never leave her side.

"So, Elizabeth", Jaya said with a seriousness in her tone that was startling, "what's a cancer stricken girl to do to get the sufficient security clearance to hear about her sister's new endeavor?"

"Uhm, excuse me?", Elizabeth asked puzzled. 

"Well, clearly, I'm about to die anyway, so who am I to tell when I do? God? Which God? Yours? Mine? All of Them? And who are They going to tell?"

Elizabeth's expression didn't change. Her mind visibly still had to catch up with what Jaya had been saying. Jaya's - let's call it morbid - sense of humor towards her illness had baffled 95% of people who had encountered it. It was her way of dealing with everything. At the beginning, I hated it. I hated that she had just accepted her fate and would go and make jokes about it, but eventually I had gotten used to it and at some point she even had explained it to me. "What else am I supposed to do? Lie in bed all day, be miserable and cry? This cancer is like a constant presence in my life, it's not going away, so I'm giving it a name, accept it for what it is and make the best of it. Of the rest of my life. Anyone who doesn't understand can fuck off." Did I tell you about 'you can take a Punjabi girl out of the Punjab, but not the Punjab out of the Punjabi girl'? Yes, yet another proof. I normally was a lot like her, but her cancer had thrown everything I had considered normal out of the window, where it had crashed against the pavement and had been run over by a heavy truck, only to be washed down the drain by heavy monsoon rain.

"Your sister would normally sign a Non-Disclosure Agreement, Jaya."

"So where do I get one?"

"I can't just give you one. I need to call the President and ask for permission." So, Elizabeth was standing here, telling us she has the President of the United States on speed dial? Like it was the most random thing? Like she needed to call her doctor to confirm an appointment? Who was this woman?

"Okay."

All eyes in the room were fixed on Jaya.

"What? She‘s standing here, telling us in a very nonchalant way that she has the President‘s phone number and can easily call him and he‘ll probably pick up. And you‘re looking at me all weird?" Jaya shrugged, while Elizabeth tried to hide a smirk and raised an eyebrow. "If the President‘s involved, this expedition she‘s talking about must be something really big. Naina, you‘d be a fool not to listen to what she has to say. If we‘re honest with ourselves, I don‘t have much time left in this world and, if you couldn‘t tell before, I‘m a very curious person. And I‘ll probably be the one to convince my sister to say yes. "

Watching the interaction between Jaya and Elizabeth, I kind of forgot that this was about me. "Jaya, I‘m not going. "

"Well, you will at least listen to what Dr Weir has to say.“

"You know what‘s in these NDA‘s?“

"No, but neither do you.“

I sighed. Why didn't she see my point? Why was it so easy for her to give in to her cancer and dismiss her life? Telling us that she didn‘t have long anyway? That it wouldn‘t matter?

"If you are going to tell me that I will beat this thing, you‘re only lying to yourself and you know it. I‘ve accepted it and so should you. I want you to live after I‘m gone. I want you to see the world, fall in love and grow old.“

"And I will do all that. With you.“

The eye roll that followed deserved an Oscar. "Riya, will you please explain to my sister what the words fatal, non-operable and dying mean?“

"I am not giving up on you!“ I felt angry all of a sudden, sad, tired - all of it jumbled together in my body at the same time.

"You think I‘m giving up on myself? Quite the contrary. I want to live the rest of my life to the fullest. Honestly, there‘s nothing I would like more than to know about Elizabeth‘s project. I only want what‘s best for you and I have the feeling that this is it.“

She took my hand in hers and squeezed it lightly. "Please, Naina. You need a life after me. Give her a chance.“ 

And cue the tears. In my eyes, Jaya‘s and Riya‘s as well. Of course I knew Jaya was right. Of course I knew that the chances of her going into remission would be slim to none, but I couldn‘t think about that. I had to believe she was going to be alright or I would go crazy. 

By the way... "Where‘s Elizabeth?“, I asked and looked around.

"She just stepped outside to talk to the President“, Riya answered, surprised that neither me nor Jaya had noticed Dr Weir stepping out. 

Silence settled over us like a blanket. None of us knew what to say after Jaya‘s small speech about me living a life without her.

"Please don‘t make me talk about the future“, I said eventually, fighting back the emotions that tightened my throat. "Please don‘t make me make plans that don‘t involve you. You may be ready, but I‘m not. This isn‘t fair.“ 

Her hand stayed on mine. "Do you know how scared I am? How sad it makes me not to be able to live any further than the next few months? I want to see Priya growing up and see what a wonderful and beautiful woman she will become. I want to see you explore the world and fall in love. I want to be the crazy aunty to our nephew when he‘s born. All of that is being taken from me and I envy each and every one on the planet who‘s allowed to keep living. But I will not let that eat me up. It doesn‘t mean I‘m giving up, it only means that I‘m not bitter.“

"Okay you two“, Riya said and wiped away the tears that were streaming down her face. "Stop it with the emotional stuff.“

We both laughed and wiped away our own tears. Of course we had talked about Jaya‘s cancer before, but I had always refused to talk about my own future without her. It was too painful to even think about living a life without her. Her talking about it like it was the most natural thing in the world just felt _wrong_. 

The door opened and Elizabeth walked back in, sporting a big smile on her face.

"Good news“, she started, „President Hayes has agreed to let your sister in on what I was about to tell you.“

"That was quick!“, Jaya piped in and the excitement in her voice was very hard to miss.

"I have to admit, I kind of had the feeling that it wouldn‘t be easy to convince you, Naina, so I had a little backup plan. Riya told me about your sister and I was sure that she would play a vital part in your decision, so I told the President and he already agreed before I came here. He was just waiting for my call.“ She looked seriously smug about her way of thinking. But hey, we were thoroughly impressed she even had this Plan B. 

Dr Weir handed us two stacks of papers - Non-Disclosure-Agreements. 

"What about Riya?“ 

"I‘ve been sworn in for some time now. No worries.“

"You are?“, Jaya and me asked simultaneously. 

"Why yes. How else could I have told Elizabeth, that you would be perfect to join this project?"

Seemed plausible enough, yes.

As soon as we signed the papers, Elizabeth began.

Elizabeth told us about life on other planets, ancient pyramids acting as a landing pads for space ships, Goa'Uld, the Stargate, travelling to other planets through a wormhole, the Asgard and countless missions through the Stargate to ensure the safety of the planet. She told us about near extinction events, cover ups through the government, the NID, the Trust, SG-1, the Ancients and the lost city of Atlantis and the hopefully upcoming expedition.

It all seemed so unreal. Jaya and me had always wondered if there was life on other planets and it turned out that there actually was - for so much longer than we could've possibly imagined. But there was so much more to it than that. There were Ancient Gods involved, intergalactic wars, ascension...to be told all that over the span of two days seemed more like a dream than reality. Our understanding of physics and astrophysics suddenly seemed so...primitive in comparison to everything that the Stargate Program had uncovered those last years. And that wasn't even the tip of the ice berg.

At some point, my heart was beating so fast that I was sure I'd get a heart attack. All of those things - those unreal, science-fiction like, literal out of this world things - happening, while we were living our lives ignorantly...it blew my mind. Right at that moment, teams could be stepping through the Stargate to other planets or come home from a mission. The Prometheus flying in Orbit right that second. 

Time and again I looked at Jaya and saw the wonder in her eyes. But there was also something else. It was sadness. Yes, of course, she was excited as I was about all the stories and files Elizabeth shared with us, but everything that would be happening in the decades to come was something she'd never experience. She'd be dead by then. She'd never experience going through the Gate or travelling through space. It hurt so bad, even for me.

The day Dr Weir said her good byes was harder than I imagined. Contrary to what I had thought of her in the beginning - an intruder, really - she had become someone we trusted, someone we had let into our lives and had a hard time letting go of. Before leaving, she said she would call me if there were any news on the expedition and on Atlantis, but in any case, the Stargate Program would love to have me as part of their science team. Be it on Atlantis or under Cheyenne Mountain. 

That night, Jaya and me were lying in her tiny hospital bed, cooped up next to each other. I held her in my arms and her head was lying on my shoulder, mindful of the breathing tube in her nose.

"I want to see other galaxies, _didi_ ", she whispered weakly. Sister.

I looked down and saw her eyes closed, but tears were making their way down her cheeks. 

"I know, Jaya. We will, together."

The day I got the results from my dissertation that I'd practically written next to her hospital bed was the day the doctors told my parents, Jaya's twin brother, our little sister and me to say our good-byes. 

The day of my graduation was the day she took her last breath. Surrounded by family in a darkened room with a slide show of family photos and pictures taken by the Hubble Telescope, showing stars, nebulae and galaxies. She was very much at peace. 

For the last time, I was lying next to her, her head resting on my chest. 

For the last time, she looked out the window and tears escaped her eyes. "The stars, Naina. Look at the stars."

"Yes, Jaya. They're beautiful, aren't they?"

She was breathing heavily and closed her eyes, as if to save her energy. "Go, see the stars, _didi_. Make sure that our stories were true."

At first, I was confused but then I remembered all the stories we'd spun as children about people living on other planets. 

"Yes, Jaya. I will."

"Good", she sighed and smiled.

Minutes later she was gone forever.

And as for the stars, so were they. At least for me. I stopped looking at the night sky, stopped caring for anything remotely having to do with outer space. Stopped caring for everything. 

Days went into weeks. I started going to therapy. I tried making sense of my life, but I failed miserably. My doctorate meant nothing to me anymore. 

And then I found it. Elizabeth's phone number. I had also ignored everything remotely related to her. I had started to forget, to keep the Stargate in the very back of my head. 

The day after I had found the number I called her. She picked up on the second ring and as soon as I heard her voice. I started crying. She knew immediately who was at the other end of the line and tried to console me. It's like she knew. Of course, she knew. She probably kept tabs on everyone she was interested to work with, so she must've heard about Jaya's death.

At some point, the line grew silent. My tears had stopped streaming out of my eyes like waterfalls and I had gotten my breathing under control.

"Naina", Elizabeth said in a calm and gentle voice, "do you want to come with me to Atlantis?"

My mother once said that I should go to another place for some time. To heal, to make new memories and find a new purpose in life. I would still honour my sister because it was everything she had ever wanted for me, but I needed to get away to get better. Of course, my mother was grieving, too, but it broke her heart to see me like this. Like nothing would ever matter to me again. Like my life had lost its sole meaning. So, my answer became pretty clear to me in that moment.

"Yes."

And that's how the story of my life began.


	2. The Color Red

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Naina meets John Sheppard. Enough said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another update so fast! But that's about all I have prepared. What comes after is in the works and by that I mean still in my head.

"It may look like a boring grey stone ring that lights up every now and then, but let me tell you that it's the most amazing boring grey stone ring ever known to mankind. It holds the wonders of the galaxy, if not the universe."

That's what Elizabeth told Jaya and Naina during their introduction to the best kept secret of this and the centuries before that.

"You stand in front of it and it leaves you breathless. You're in awe of the power it possesses and you're in awe of the race who built such a device. When it's activated you see nothing but a puddle of water, but it's not water, it's..."

"The fluctuations of the event-horizon of an active wormhole."

"Exactly."

And since that day Naina has thought about Elizabeth's amazement a lot and although she's one of the most intelligent people the Indian woman knows, her new boss sounded a little high on drugs at that time. But actually standing one floor up at the windows of the conference room, watching a Gate team return from their mission - let's just say even the most pure drugs couldn't make you imagine something like this. It looks so serene, so peaceful that never in a million years would one think that it could actually be the doorway to your death. Yes, it sounds morbid, but isn't it the truth? The truth, that if you step through it, chances are 50/50 that you either find an ally or you find your enemies. Judging from the reports, though, both could be dangerous anyway.

Naina spends her days in the Conference Room or in a lab, getting taught along with other future expedition members the ins and outs of Ancient technology, Gate physics, Ancient language and wormholes - every day just blows her mind anew. They've all read about it in books, they've written papers about the theoretical existence of all the things they're learning now, but actually having proof now just makes her head explode.

During this entire time she gets to know the people she will work with in the future more closely. Most of them don't talk much and are very competitive. There are also those who have previously belonged to a Gate team at Stargate Command already and act like they rule the world. The young doctor finds herself retreating into the back because she doesn't have the strength or the will to go against them. The problem is that she doesn't want to be alone and at the same time she can't wait to actually be alone. Experiencing the on-boarding at the SGC has kept her mind away from grief, but it has not cured her of it. At this point she doesn't think anything ever will.

But it's during that time, when she once again retreats back into her shell, that she meets a spiky-haired, laid-back US Air Force pilot: Major John Sheppard. It's safe to say that he's nothing like any other soldier she has met on base so far. 

Naina is sitting in the very back of the cafeteria, punching holes with a fork in the piece of pie that's on a plate in front of her, completely mesmerized by the way the dough gives way to the pointy end of the fork, only to revert back into its original hole-less shape. Which is not fascinating at all. It's more disconcerting.

Naina wonders what Jaya would think of her now, sitting alone in a corner and not even eating the previously delicious pie in front of her (at some point it must have been), but brooding and feeling sorry for herself. She wonders what her sister would think of her doubting that she would fit into the expedition with all the other scientists. She'd laugh at her and then she'd turn serious and yell at her to get her butt off that chair and just sit down at another table with other people. _She_ would've done that. She would've just sat down and started talking, not even caring if they would've wanted her there. Jaya had been wired that way. Naina had been like that, too, but now she feels like the blackness that surrounds her at night. She feels nothing and at the same time she feels like she is falling apart.

Anyway, she closes her eyes and prays for the strength to make it through the on-boarding, she prays for something to appear to make it all easier and somehow that "something" comes strolling into the cafeteria without a care in the world.

Naina doesn't see him at first and God knows why he decides to sit down at her table when there are at least five free tables in her peripheral vision alone.

"You don't mind, do you?", he asks, doesn't wait for an answer, puts his tray on the table and sits down with a long and heavy sigh.

He looks at her - repeatedly stabbed - pie and then to her, raising an eyebrow. "What did the pie ever do to you?"

"It's stale," she tells him matter-of-factly and considers the topic closed. Unfortunately, he doesn't. 

"Probably because you've bored it to death."

The fork falls from her hand onto the table (because she _lets_ it, that's why) and she crosses her arms in front of her chest. Yes, defensive.

"What are you doing here?" she demands.

"I'm eating, what does it look like?," he says with his mouth full. Oh the responses she could give him...

"There are at least five other tables here. All of them empty."

"I _like_ this table." His voice goes up a notch at that.

Naina mirrors his action from earlier and raises her eyebrow, which seems to spur him on. "There was this aura around the table and it sucked me in, y'know?"

"No, no, I don't know really."

He looks at her. No, he doesn't just look. His eyes, his green eyes, bore into hers, like they are looking for something.

"Judging from your sunny disposition, it's not the table's aura, though."

Can't he just leave already? Him and _his_ sunny disposition? What does it matter to him anyway what her disposition is?

"You're funny." She doesn't mean it.

"And you're grumpy."

"You don't know me." _That_ she actually meant.

He lets his fork and knife fall onto his plate and folds his hands together. "You are Dr Naina Suhar. You are part of the Research and Science Department of the Atlantis Expedition. How am I doing so far?"

"How do you know all that?"

And in that moment, a few tables over, a couple of Naina's future colleagues start laughing. She takes a brief look and notices that they are looking at them. She wonders if all this is a game to them. If it is a game to the man who is sitting across from her whose name she doesn't even know. The game of laughing about the person who has kept to herself until now. The loner. The weirdo who cries a lot. That thought startles her because she has never cared about what other people thought of her.

"They are talking about me." She doesn't even know if that was a question or a statement. She doesn't even know if she's talking to herself or the man across from her.

He swallows his bite and says, "I overheard them earlier, yes. They were talking about you and how you keep to yourself and never talk to anybody."

"So, you're sitting here out of pity?"

"No, sunshine, I'm sitting here, because I wanted to. You look like you need someone to talk to."

"I don't even know your name."

"Major John Sheppard, US Air Force. How ya doin'?"

She looks at him while there are several thoughts going through her head. But most of all, one thought is quite dominant. "I don't want to talk to you."

"Bummer, I'm a really good listener."

She stays silent. She has made her point more than once and he doesn't seem to get it, but she doesn't really care.

"Listen, me and some folks are going to a bar tonight. You're invited. It's a small group, nothing too fancy."

"No, thank you."

"Alright, pick you up at 7."

And with that, he gets up and leaves, not waiting for her to respond.

Who _is_ that guy? And how would he know where to pick her up anyway?

It is just before 7 when there's a knock on her door. She has been hoping that the Major was just kidding and she'd never hear from him again. But, there he is, knocking on her door.

She opens it and is met with the grinning face of Major John Sheppard, but as soon as he sees her, his face falls. "You're not dressed."

Naina steps aside and lets him in. Contrary to her, he's wearing jeans and a shirt, much different to the BDUs they have to wear on base. She's wearing yoga pants and a loose long sleeved shirt. 

"I didn't think you meant it." And it is true. She's busying herself in the small kitchen that sits adjoined to the living room. There's really nothing to clean up or put away, but she needs the distraction.

"Are you always like that?"

"Like what, Major?"

"Negative."

She stops what she's doing and closes her eyes. Of course not. But watching your sister die and not being able to do anything about it, that leaves a mark. Not that she's going to tell him that, though.

"I'm not negative, Major, I'm cautious."

"Cautious of what? We're about to embark on a mission that's most likely going to be one-way without any contact to Earth." Oh, so he will be joining the Expedition. Interesting. "And you're standing here, telling me that you're being cautious?"

The young woman gets the sudden urge to tell him, to lay it all out in front of him, to have him understand what she has been going through (way to be persistent on not wanting to tell him), but it would feel like she's justifying herself and that's absolutely not the case.

"Listen," he says and clears his throat, leaning at the kitchen island next to her, "I didn't wanna say anything, because it's none of my business, but after I overheard the Gossip Girls back at the base talking about you, I looked into your file."

"You did _what_?" What is it with this guy and boundaries? Or non-existent boundaries in his case.

"I shouldn't have done that, I'm sorry. But do you wanna hear what I have to say?"

She waves her hand around, signaling him to continue.

"Now, see, what was bugging me is that you don't seem like someone who's walking around with a permanent scowl on her face. I think that someone or something must've caused it. So I took a peek and...don't look at me like that, I'm a naturally curious person!"

"What did you find?"

"Nothing out of the ordinary. Born and raised in India, went to MIT, IQ of over 170...the works. But nothing that would explain your..." He waved his hand around, obviously looking for the right words. "...sunny disposition."

That surprises her. She has thought that Jaya's death would've made the front page of her personnel file. 

"I told you, I'm a good listener and that still stands. I'm completely aware of how I haven't done anything to gain your trust yet, but like I said, I don't think that this is who you really are, so I'm really curious to find out what's underneath that permanent scowl. And I know how ambiguous that sounds, but I'm not here to flirt or get _underneath_ underneath. Nor am I here because I want to win a bet or have already lost a bet. I'm here, because I think that we could be really good friends and I think that where we're going, friends are really important. Plus you don't seem like your other colleagues. You know, arrogant, all-knowing...and that is just for the letter A."

His little speech actually makes her smile. Okay, maybe she can trust John a little more than she thought. Maybe he isn't such a bad person and if he is, he's damn good at hiding it and that would ask for an Oscar and Earth would loose an excellent actor.

"See, that smile is actually really nice to see. I know you could do it. My next mission is to make you laugh. I have the feeling we're getting there."

She nods. Maybe.

"So, now that phase 1 was so successful, how about we move to phase 2. Actually going to that bar I was talking about. But for that, you need to change clothes. How about I wait out here and you get yourself ready?"

She looks around apartment. She has two options: either she will stay here and continue down the dark path of her depression that she senses is coming on fast - all alone - or she could go with Major Sheppard and actually try to have a good time. Jaya would want her to go. 

"Alright."

Happy with her answer, John claps into his hands and smiles. "Alright! Now, go get dressed."

"Don't come into my room, Major." It's meant as a joke, but his face falls immediately, only to be followed by his grin again.

"Like I said, doc, not that kind of _underneath._ "

Naina settles with blue jeans, black flats and a red tunic shirt that shows just enough cleavage for her to be comfortable to wear out to a bar with people she doesn't know yet. She lets her hair down, letting it fall into its natural waves and applies minimal make-up. 

When she comes out of her room, John's sitting on the kitchen island, munching on a banana that she bought earlier that week. When he sees her, his eyes grow wide.

"Well, I'd say you're cleaning up nicely, kiddo."

That makes her blush, but... "Kiddo?"

"I'm trying out nicknames. Just roll with it."

They make it to the bar just after everyone else has arrived. John leads her to a table with three other future colleagues of theirs: Dr Carson Beckett, Dr Peter Grodin and Lieutenant Aiden Ford, US Army. She recognizes them from different meetings, but has never actually talked to them. 

"Looks like the gang's all here!", John exclaims and pulls out a chair for the female doctor. 

"Sheppard, we thought you abandoned us!" She looks at Peter Grodin and marvels at his British accent, although he looks very Hispanic.

"And I'm hurt you would even think that. Guys, I want you to meet Doctor Naina Suhar. Naina, these are Doctor Carson Beckett, Doctor Peter Grodin and Lieutenant Aiden Ford. They're all coming with us."

Each nod when their name is said.

"Welcome to our little Round Table, lass," Dr Beckett speaks up, his Scottish accent almost making Naina giggle, "what can we get you to drink?"

"White wine would be nice," she answers, thanking him with a smile.

"Ford, you heard her. Get the beautiful lady a glass of white wine, please."

The addressed soldier makes a face. "Why is it my turn again? You guys make way more money than I do."

"Like that's gonna count when we're in the Pegasus Galaxy." John gets up and goes to the bar, buying himself a beer and the wine for Naina.

Sitting down again, he puts the wine in front of her. "So, what were you guys talking about when we got here?"

"What we would be missing when we go to Atlantis," Ford answers and takes a sip of his beer.

Ford is an African-American man who looks much younger than he actually is. He doesn't look like he's a part of the US Army, still has that air around him that screams "soldier". At least, for her he does. She has spent enough time with soldiers now to recognize a soldier upon seeing one. 

"Football," Sheppard immediately says and also takes a sip of his beer.

"My mother's cooking," Carson says a little whiny. She knows that Carson will be the CMO of the Expedition and is a professional through and through, but his kicked puppy look just then makes them all laugh.

"Good English tea," Peter sighs.

"You do realize that you're confusing people with being British, but actually looking Hispanic?" Ford prompts.

"No, I'm pretty sure you're the only one confused here. Doctor Suhar, what will you miss?"

"Uhm..." The sudden change in attention is too fast for her to have an answer at the ready. What will she miss? What is there on Earth for her to actually miss besides her family? Jaya is gone and all the friends she's had growing up didn't really keep in touch after Jaya had gotten sick, but neither did she, so no hard feelings. So what will she miss? Indian Food? Bollywood movies?

She's opening her mouth to give a generic answer, when someone steps next to their table.

"I guess I missed the memo that we're having a little party here."

She looks at the man the voice belongs to and suddenly feels the urge to run away. Before them stands Dr Kavanaugh, a man with long hair (almost as long as hers), glasses, sharp features and the eyes of someone who has no respect for people who are below him whatsoever. She has run into him a few times. A few times too many.

"No, I‘m pretty sure you just weren‘t invited", Sheppard answers nonchalantly and takes a sip of his beer.

„You don’t know me at all. It’s like you’re judging me.”

“No one is judging you, Kavanaugh, we just know what you’re like”, Grodin says and rolls his eyes.

Naina has tried to be invisible during the entire conversation, but somehow, the attention shifts to her anyway. Kavanaugh doesn’t have a comeback at the ready in answer to Grodin’s comment, she guesses.

“And you are?”, he asks. That question holds a lot of venom.

“Naina Suhar.”

His eyebrows shoot up in surprise. “Figures that you would sit at this table together with Sheppard. Hand-picked by Elizabeth Weir herself.”

She feels John looking at her.

“Is there anything we can help you with?”, the Major asks, equally venomous.

“No, I was just wondering. Dr Suhar, tell me, did Dr Weir recruit you before or after your sister died?”

And then he has the audacity to actually smile, like he’s satisfied with himself.

A feeling deep down in the pit of Naina’s stomach begins to form, a feeling she knows all too well. Every time someone has mentioned Jaya in the past, the urge to vomit and run away appeared. She feels sick and the panic forming in her belly becomes apparent and at the same time unbearable. Kavanaugh must’ve read articles about her and her family. If one were to google her family name, Jaya’s death alone has hundreds of hits. _The one thing Rajesh Suhar’s money couldn’t buy._

She feels the rest of the table staring at her. They are either waiting for an answer or apologizing silently. She can’t tell.

“You know, people are talking…” Kavanaugh doesn’t seem to have had enough yet.

“People? Or just you?”, John asks him. His voice is low and his eyes are furious. Somehow Naina feels a little safer, knowing she has the Major by her side. “I suggest you leave this table.”

“It was just a question. Not all of us had the privilege to be recruited right out of a private room in the oncology wing of a prestigious hospital. The rest of us actually had to work to get where we are.”

John gets up, knocking his chair over in the process. He’s fuming. The loud thud of his chair inadvertently brings the entire bar’s attention on them.

“Kavanaugh, I’m warning you! One more word…”

“Then what?”

Naina doesn’t hear the rest of the conversation, though. Blood is rushing through her ears, her breathing picks up considerably and she can’t concentrate. Her head is telling her to run while her stomach feels nauseous.

She feels a hand on her arm suddenly. Looking for the owner of that hand, she finds Carson’s worried face.

“Are you okay?”, he asks and squeezes her arm gently.

While Naina knows that this is supposed to be a comforting gesture, it actually heightens her panic even more.

She stands up hurriedly and earns everyone’s attention. Her heart is racing, her breathing still rapid and short.

“Naina?”, John asks cautiously, extending his hand but not touching her.

She looks at him and wants to answer, but her instincts are faster. She runs.

Her feet are moving around the various tables and chairs and towards the exit. Her panic grows with each step she takes and her ears are ringing. She really didn’t expect anyone to know who she is or anyone to mention Jaya’s name. That alone was enough to push her off a cliff straight back into the dark world of depression, panic attacks and tears that never seem to stop coming.

As the entrance comes closer, Naina stops paying attention to anything around her. That’s why she bumps into someone who comes into the bar at the exact moment she wants to go out the door.

Major Evan Lorne has seen so much during his time at the SGC, but when a red whirlwind comes crashing into him - well, let's just say he is thoroughly surprised. 

She's small, slender with long wavy brunette hair. What she wears seems so much out of place here at the bar (it is just a regular old dive bar that has seen better days in the 80s), that he will never forget that color again: such a saturated and deep shade of red, even more so than the tape on the floors of Stargate Command. In his head he already has his palette ready to paint that shade of red, to paint _her_. It almost amuses him that his mind then draws a comparison from her shirt to the red jello in the cafeteria.

But something is off about her. She seems panicked, restless, out of breath even, like she has run away from someone. 

"Whoa, careful there!"

She's still breathing heavily and squints her eyes, but her pupils are following a wild pattern. Is she having a panic attack?

"Are you okay?"

She wriggles out of his grasp and says "I'm sorry", before she's gone. His eyes follow her out of the bar into the night and he asks himself what is wrong with her. He's seen her around the base, so he knows that she indeed works there, but why is she so panicked?

Just a few seconds later, he hears someone coming his way. Major John Sheppard (he recognizes him from the base as well as from people talking about the expedition) comes running right towards him.

"Major", he greets him, "have you seen a small woman? Brown hair, around..." He uses his hand horizontally, bringing it up to his shoulders, "yeh small?"

The Major instantly recognizes who he's looking for. "Red shirt? A little panicky?"

"That's the one!"

"Yeah, she ran east down the street, Sir."

Sheppard slaps him on the shoulder slightly, thanking him for the information and follows after the woman. 

Evan just hopes he didn't make a huge mistake by telling him where she went.

The silence around her is calming her down considerably and she finds herself sitting on a park bench, shaking from all the adrenaline that is still cursing through her body after the panic attack she’s had. Slowly, her breathing is going back to normal and so is her heart rate. Over the last few months, she’s learned a lot of techniques that have helped her through the attacks. She has counted down, has sung a lullaby from her childhood and all the while has willed herself to breathe in and out slowly. But as soon as she started to calm down, the tears began to flow freely. She can’t remember the last time she’s had a panic attack that has had her on the edge like this.

“I’m gonna name you Stealthy from now on.” The young woman hears a man’s voice and instantly recognizes it as Sheppard’s. He really is persistent.

She wipes the tears away quickly as he comes closer. John sits down, looks at her briefly and then stares ahead. For minutes, neither of them says anything, but it’s a comfortable silence.

“Don’t you want to ask me about my sister?”, Naina asks him eventually.

“I do want to know, yes. I already told you that I’m a naturally curious person, but whether or not you tell me about her is entirely up to you.”

“I wish everyone would think like you.”

“To be honest, I read about it in your file.”

_Here we go,_ she thinks in her head.

“And I researched you online.”

_Aha!_

“But that doesn’t man I can parade it around. If you wanna talk to me about it, I’m here, but if you don’t, I’m still here.”

She looks at him and feels at peace. She’s had her doubts about him ever since he sat down at her table this morning and it continued through his visit to her apartment, but she’s had the wrong impression about him and she knows that now. She can trust him.

Naina leans her head on his shoulder and closes her eyes. The last remnants of panic disappear from her body and her mind.

“Louis, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.”

She recognizes the quote from the movie ‘Casablanca’ instantly and smiles. “I think so, too, Rick.”

The next day finds Major Evan Lorne in the Mess Hall during lunch time. He has completed his paper work this morning on the mining operation he's overseeing with Colonel Edwards and is just waiting for his team to get called up to return. He has to admit, though, that the young woman, who ran him over last night, just would not get out of his head. He saw the look in her eyes, the panic she was experiencing and that look has haunted him in his dreams.

As the Major waits in line to get his lunch, his eyes roam through the room, taking in every person that spends their time there. And that's when he sees her: the young red shirt from the night before. Not that she is a red shirt in the geeky definition. Nor is he a Trekkie by any definition. He has heard other scientists talk about it, nothing more. Anyway, she looks exhausted and a little too pale. True, the lack of sunlight down here speaks for itself, but it doesn't look natural nor does it look healthy on her. She isn't wearing anything red today, though, and the Atlantis uniform makes it clear for him that she will be gone in a few day's time. But Evan wouldn't be Evan if he doesn't at least _try_ and coax a smile out of her. He keeps looking around, trying to find anything that would cheer her up and his eyes land on something, that would definitely make her smile if he plays his cards right. He grabs the small bowl, his own food tray and heads over to her table.

When he arrives, she doesn't even look up but keeps on stabbing her food with the fork in her hand. 

Sitting down, he pushes the bowl over to her and says, "You know, everyone's eating the blue jello but I'm not into the whole smurfy color and really, red is more your color from what I could see last night when you ran me over."

That makes her look up and smile widely at him and, damn, if that smile doesn't make him weak in the knees. And if that smile won't bring out the sun on Atlantis, then he doesn't know what will.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up: Rising!

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know what you think and if you want to read more!
> 
> Cookies to anyone who knows where the inspiration for Naina's and Jaya's last moments together came from...


End file.
